Morgan’s Story

My name is Morgan.  I have been with my husband for almost 15 years and we have been married for almost eight.  After we had been married for two years we decided to try to grow our family.  My maternal aunt suffered from infertility, and my maternal uncle and his wife struggled with infertility as well.  I was very nervous when we started to try to conceive because I felt like the cloud of infertility was hanging over us.  I was shocked when we got pregnant in our first cycle, and doubly shocked when we learned we were pregnant with spontaneous twins. When our sons were about 18 months old, we decided it was time to add to our family.  We didn’t think it was a matter of if it would happen, but when.  I didn’t know that there was a thing called secondary infertility.

We kept trying for about 9 months before we consulted a doctor.  All of my blood work came back normal, except my AMH (anti-mullerian hormone) levels were slightly elevated. They said that combined with my irregular cycles, I most likely had polycystic ovaries.  We decided to go to The Cooper Institute for Reproductive Hormonal Disorders and saw Dr. Jerome Check.  After 15 months, 4 cycles of clomid and 3 rounds of IUI, we were finally pregnant.  During my routine first trimester blood work, we found that my progesterone levels were not holding and were dropping to levels that almost could not sustain my pregnancy.  I was already taking progesterone 5 times a day (pills and 3 suppositories) so I had to begin taking progesterone injections into my lower back each day to maintain the lowest acceptable levels in order to keep my baby.  I began to wean off of the progesterone at 12 weeks and I was fully off of everything at 20 weeks.  My regular OB said she had never seen anyone on so much progesterone.

During those 15 months I felt like such a failure.  My body had already carried twins and then suddenly I couldn’t even get pregnant. Then once I finally was, I didn’t know if I could stay pregnant. And during all of this, I was still a mom to two wonderful boys, and I felt like I was failing them too.  I feel like I don’t even know who or what I’m looking at when I look back at photos of my sons from that time.  I missed out on 15 months of their lives because I was so preoccupied with doctors appointments, blood work, ultrasounds and not breaking down at every possible moment.  I’ll never be able to fully describe it, but my heart sinks each time I think of it. I can’t help but cry and wonder why I wasn’t emotionally stronger for them.  One of the biggest regrets of my life is how much of theirs that I feel like I missed out on.  If I could go back I would still do everything that I did to have our daughter, but I would have done more to be present with my sons.  In gaining our daughter, I felt like I had lost something of them that I’ll never get back.

The hardest part of secondary infertility was feeling that I didn’t belong anywhere.  I never felt like I had a right to be sad or to have my heart ache, because at least I had kids.  I didn’t know who to talk to because I didn’t know anyone who had gone through this. I felt like no one would understand why I was so sad all of the time.  I felt like I should have just been happy with what I had because that was still more than what others get.

At the time, I constantly made myself feel like that my feelings of inadequacy and sadness were invalid because others were struggling “more” than I was, and it was a heavy burden to carry.  I was constantly comparing myself to other women that were dealing with infertility.  It would make me feel guilty for feeling sad, and which made me spiral down even more.  It took me a long time to come to the realization that my situation was not better or worse than anyone else’s, it was just different.  Every woman’s infertility struggles are their own and it is important that we support each other.

The families that struggle with secondary infertility need a voice and a community just like those who struggle with primary infertility. I had never gone through such a time where I constantly felt horrible at every moment.  I felt sad. I felt hopeless. I felt guilty.  Along with my husband, there were three amazing women who I was able to confide in.  They carried me through and supported me and I knew they were always there for me.  I’ll never be able to repay them for that.

I hope that by sharing my story, others dealing with secondary infertility will feel like they aren’t alone.  That’s all I ever wanted, because infertility of any kind is lonely.  But none of us who struggle with this are alone.  I am here, and I know now there are many others like me.

-Morgan Woods