Meaghan’s Story

“They told me once, nothing grows when a house ain’t a home. Is it true, honestly when it’s all a part of me? A couple years of waiting rooms; finding God, and losing too. Wanna scream, but what’s the use? Lyin’ awake, and I stare at the door, I just can’t take it no more. They told me it’s useless, there’s no hope in store; but somehow I just want you more”. Halsey-More

At the heart of our infertility story, is a love story. It began in the summer of 2012 at the tender ages of 22 and 23 years old. My husband stole my heart when he poked fun at my child-sized hands and spoke with such love about his family. We fell fast and hard for one another. “When you know, you know”, as the saying goes, and by December of the following year we were engaged. Our wedding took place in May of 2015, and it was one of the best days of our life. We knew we had found the right partner to walk through life with each other. After getting married, we made the choice to stop preventing pregnancy. We were not necessarily “trying” right away, but we were open to starting our own family. A year passed, and by then we were very ready to have a little one of our own. So, I bought the ovulation kits and we actively started trying to conceive. Every period from that moment forward broke our hearts. We understood that it could take some time, but after 6 months of heartbreak we started to worry. I outreached my OBGYN at the time to see what we could do. Her advice was to “give it time” because we were young. That did not satisfy me, so I pushed back and we got a referral to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). It took a failed Intrauterine Insemination (IUI), a switch from our initial RE’s clinic to a new one, and an additional 6 months of appointments, procedures, and testing to get the entire picture of what was causing our infertility. The diagnosis was Male Factor Infertility (MFI), Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR), and Endometriosis (Endo).

Once we had the answer as to why we were not succeeding in getting pregnant, we sat down with our RE to discuss what our next steps would be. After discussing all the options we, and our doctor, determined that Invitro Fertilization (IVF) would be our best shot at starting a family. We were fortunate that our insurance at the time covered $15,000 for IVF; however, this was a “lifetime maximum” and it did not go very far. Over half of that amount went toward the drugs needed for the retrieval portion of our cycle, and in the end, we had to come up with an additional $10,000 out of pocket to complete the cycle. My RE retrieved 13 mature eggs on retrieval day, and luckily all 13 fertilized successfully with Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI). Five days later we were able to freeze 8 embryos (blastocysts) for future attempts at building our family, and transfer 1 day 5 embryo. Sadly, that transfer failed. Crushed is an understatement in reference to how we felt. All that hope and faith, instantly erased with a negative blood test, but we could not give up. We went back a month later to discuss what we could do differently for our next transfer, and our RE suggested Preimplantation Genetic Screening (PGS) testing. This testing determines if an embryo carries the correct number of chromosomes to be considered “compatible with life”. This was an additional $2,500, but we decided to move forward and send 4 of our 8 embryos to be tested. Two weeks later, we received news that 3/4 were considered “normal” (46 chromosomes) and we planned to move forward with transferring one of the normal embryos the following month-May 2018.

We transferred on May 30 and on June 5 I saw two pink lines for the very first time. I was overwhelmed with joy, and simultaneously terrified that it would be ripped away at any given moment. That’s what life is like when dealing with infertility. We know all too well how much it hurts to let yourself be vulnerable and feel hopeful only to be let down. It is a constant balancing act. My husband was at the gym at the time I tested, so I decided that I would surprise him with the positive test. I grabbed the test, a pen and paper, and the little onesie I had picked out in hope of this day finally arriving. The onesie said “for this child we have prayed”. I scribbled “see you in 9 months daddy” on the paper and headed out the door to surprise my husband. The surprise did not go quite as planned, but he was ecstatic all the same. It was FINALLY our time. Those 9 months were a mix of endless gratitude and worry as we tried to be present, and soak in the joy while still guarding our hearts. After fighting so hard, and for so long, it was hard to truly accept that our dream was actually coming to fruition. All in all, my pregnancy was picture perfect until 39 weeks when I was sent to be induced for two high blood pressure readings. Getting ready to go into the hospital, I remember feeling like we were in the “safe zone” and I had much relief. It was like all the worry for the past 9 months had melted away because it was finally time to meet her. Carsen Ann Boyd was born on February 10, 2019 at 10:30 PM after 2 days of labor. Tragically, something went wrong during her delivery, and she went to go be with God on February 12, 2019 at 7:32 PM. There aren’t words to describe the pain that accompanied her death. I can only say that both of us wished that we could have traded places with her. Carsen’s life was short, but it was full of love and we would not have given up our time with her for anything in this world. She made us parents. Even though our “parenthood” does not look like how we imagined, we are eternally grateful to be hers, and she ours.

Choosing to continue to build our family after losing Carsen was a tough decision to make. Infertility and loss have a way of stealing that blissful naivety of thinking “everything will be okay” ideology. It was terrifying to think about opening ourselves back up to the potential of more heartbreak and loss. However, with the help of our therapist, and our amazing support system, we eventually felt strong enough to return to our RE’s clinic to begin our journey toward Baby # 2. That said, starting back up is not as easy as walking in and saying “hey, get me in next month for my transfer”. You have to do blood tests, ultrasounds, procedures, etc to determine if anything is going on internally that needs to be addressed first. In my case, I needed to have another surgery to remove excess tissue, caused by endometriosis, from my uterus before moving forward. My surgery was March 4, 2020. The follow up appointment, where we expected to receive our timeline for our transfer, was March 13, 2020. Instead of receiving this timeline, we received the news that the clinic would be halting treatment due to COVID-19. We were devastated, but ultimately understood their decision. Thankfully, the clinic reopened a few months later and I started to prep my body for a July transfer. I was beyond excited walking into the clinic that transfer day. I wore a t-shirt with Carsen’s footprints on it. I was positive that the transfer was going to be successful but sadly it wasn’t. Seeing those negative tests, after a loss, hit differently. I felt abandoned by God and utterly alone, but something told me to keep going despite my shaken faith. I talked it over with my husband, and we agreed to try and transfer another embryo as soon as possible. We transferred again on September 21 and saw two beautiful pink lines 5 days later. I am writing this 32 weeks pregnant with Carsen’s little sister from that September transfer. I won’t sugar coat it, pregnancy after infertility and loss, is hard. Almost daily, we battle thoughts that she will be taken from us at any moment. However, mixed with those thoughts are hope, happiness, pride, love, and appreciation. We are grateful for every single moment and milestone with this precious miracle because we know that tomorrow is not a promise, but a gift. We can only hope & pray that we are gifted a lifetime of tomorrows with her.

To those reading who have walked the road of infertility, loss, or both — please know that you are braver than you could ever imagine. You push forward with hope and faith, without any guarantees, and that makes you fierce. Give yourself grace on your hard days, and celebrate your strength during your good days. To those who have not walked either road, but want to support the 1 in 8 couples infertility effects, or the 1 in 4 who have lost a child, all you really have to do is listen. Listen to understand, not to reply, or to give advice. Oftentimes, well meaning advice like “just relax”, “have you tried x, y, or z”, “have you thought of adoption”, etc comes across as dismissive, and is altogether not helpful. Instead, try to hold space for your loved one’s fears and hurt, sit with them in it so that they feel less alone and validate that all they are feeling is okay. In doing this, you will be showing more support than you can imagine, and having support makes all the difference.

“…And when you decide it’s your time to arrive, I’ve loved you for all of my life. And nothing could stop me from giving a try. I’ve loved you for all of my life. Loved you more, somehow I still love you more. Love you more, somehow I still love you more.” Halsey-More