Mary’s Story

Being a parent is tough. As a mother and wife I’ve had to hide my feelings so others wouldn’t feel my pain or my knowledge of things to come.  I’ve feared the possibility of  Christopher being infertile due to his treatment for leukemia. I’d hated to witness their pain of losing the opportunity to be parents.  It was such a shock when Jen said she had PCOS and would undergo IVF, egg retrievals, hormone shots, the whole deal and not in that order. 

When Jen was admitted for her high-risk pregnancy I was hopeful, but guarded. I wanted to protect them from heartbreak in case things didn’t work out.  Jen’s such a delightful, mature bundle of energy and knowledge and I really didn’t know if she was mentally strong enough to hold herself up and support Christopher too.  I had never thought about being a grandmother, seriously, until the gender reveal.  I know the pain of disappointment but not of the loss she and Christopher went through when Ella made her brief entrance into this world. I really didn’t know if they could handle their grief and they didn’t share their feelings with us as much as I wanted them to. I wanted to take part of their sadness away and maybe mine would go with it as well.  It helped when I was asked to help them build a Memorial garden for Ella.

Now the adventures of the twins in my world.  The first time I held them I was overcome by the promise of joy that God’s gift was realized. I was also fearful that the kids would never be satisfied as parents because of Ella’s death. I’ll always be a Grandma now and that’s enough. I’ll learn when it’s ok to be hands-on or hands-off and maybe when not to speak at all.  My biggest fear is that they would never move on, not forget, but allow themselves to be happy. I want the twins to fill that gap of  “what ifs.” Please let them be amazed at every first they share: smile, tooth, word, step, and hug.  Let them cry and smile together, run barefoot in the grass and on the beach, kiss the first boo-boo until a giggle comes, and have a wonderful life.